Akatsuki Playground
by doryfishie
Summary: Because some men shouldn't be allowed out to play
1. Pushing Buttons

Akatsuki Playground

Story 1: pushing buttons is a form of self defense

disclaimer - naruto....isn't mine.......sniffles

It was seven o'clock in the morning when his brother came bursting into his room shouting some nonsense about having to get up so that they wouldn't be late for school. Normally Itachi would be up and out the door before six every day to do who knows what but on that particular Tuesday Kisame had thought it a pleasant idea to take him out drinking sometime around two that morning for some unexplainable but certainly rather interesting purpose. Having no reason to assume this was unacceptable, Itachi had accompanied his business partner in what others considered crime but was really more a gray area, to the local tavern where they had a wonderful time getting utterly drunk and singing the most redundant bar songs they could think of. He had not regretted the impromptu bar visit –as he rarely had a social life- until a flash of blue and white came barging through his doorway not three hours after he had collapsed into bed. Said blur was exclaiming obscenities that would have been more appropriate had they not shared the same mother while standing above Itachi's indifferent form.

Deciding that now was as good of a time as any to get his brother out of the room, Itachi asked with all the politeness one can muster when one's room is being invaded, "What the hell are you doing in my room?"

At first Sasuke merely stood there, but as his brow's came together, Itachi realized he probably missed the main purpose of the rant, but before he could inquire as to it's function, Sasuke was off again, "'The hell do you mean by what am I doing in your room? Last time I checked you were going to drive me to school because apparently you driving me there means I'm gonna stay." As Sasuke went on to talk about how he needed to get to school before all the back seats were taken, Itachi remembered the appeasement he had made to his mother so she would stop bothering him last night at dinner. The conditions were a little fuzzy, but Itachi recalled a promise to make sure his brother got to school _on time_.

Normally this wouldn't have been a problem, but again it was seven a.m. and school started in a mere thirty minutes. Any other man would have cursed and gone back to bed, but instead Itachi glared and ordered his brother to get out. His mother was a raging harpy on her good days, which were few and far between and he had learned long ago it was better to sacrifice a few hours of sleep now and save the days of rantings that came should he not do as Makoto said.

After ten minutes Itachi deemed himself presentable to the general public and walked out to his car where his brother was standing glowering at the clear superiority of his brother's car. "Are you ready to go?" Itachi inquired politely, feeling incredibly out of sorts with the cheerful tone, but figured his brother's buttons needed a little pushing. Sasuke did not take the bait and merely slammed the car door open and crashed down on the shiny leather seats which had recently been host to any number of characters across the legality scale. Itachi smiled his particular smile that was really more of a smirk, remembering the man from the mafia who had sat in that very same chair with a similar expression to the one Sasuke held currently. The two were very similar indeed, and Itachi could not help but consider what would happen should his younger brother choose that particular career path. He would be good at the intimidation part, but unless his mind was able to expand to encompass numerous possibilities and select the best course at any given moment, Itachi doubted his brother would survive long in the business. Himself however…

His dreaming did not last long as a grunt interrupted the genius's thought processing. As his brother was just thinking of something clever to say, Itachi hopped in the car with considerably more grace than the man sitting next to him, turned the ignition, and they were off.

Most of the time Itachi was very watchful of the speed limit, as people in his line of work did not get their cars pulled over because that led to rather awkward questions that could never be answer honestly. It ended up with investigations into things that should not be investigated and pretty soon things would become uncovered and someone would have to die and Itachi would end up having to deal with it. It was definitely a wiser idea to simply be five minutes late.

His brother had never been a wise person though, and even believed in getting to school early to get a back seat of the class. How this proved he was the delinquent he claimed to be Itachi did not know but he decided that it was best to go over the speed limit this once because as delightful as an obscenity-shouting Sasuke sounded in the morning, there was only so much one could handle and Itachi chose not to induce another violent fit in his brother that would undoubtedly end in his little brother bursting an artery and him having to drive even further with blood soaking into the leather.

This worked for the few minutes they were on the highway, but as the entered the neighborhood surrounding the school, Itachi saw more and more adolescents all seeming to convene on the three story school building they themselves were headed for making it difficult to navigate at the speed Sasuke demanded. Looking around while waiting for some kids to pass, Itachi noticed several of Sasuke's supposed friends who were not walking to school but rather away from it; he wondered why Sasuke would spend his time with people like that. They were clearly not very smart and would not further his education or future in a manner suitable to one of Uchiha breeding.

Sasuke's inevitable ruin and the images that came with it were so enjoyable to Itachi that he did not see the pink haired girl –how he could miss her he knew not for it was a _very_ stunning shade of bubblegum pink that even he, with his numerous and varied woman acquaintances, had not seen on a woman before- crossing the street before him. Had it not been for Sasuke thumping his arm there would have been a very nasty crash with the girl either dead or in critical condition, Sasuke would hopefully be dead or at least have severe brain damage while Itachi would remained unscathed (he had always been the luckier one).

As it was, he was barely able to step on the brake and landed mere inches before the girl who seemed to, like him, have been thinking of something far more agreeable than driving one's brother to school. This did not appear to give her any sympathy to the driver though.

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!" she shouted loudly enough once she had regained her nerves so Itachi was sure that he would not have to explain himself at work later as he could say that he was verbally assaulted and everyone would know what he was talking about, "WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING CREEP! WE PEDESTRIANS HAVE A RIGHT TO LIVE IN THIS WORLD TOO! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO DECIDE WHO LIVES AND WHO DIES-" at this point Itachi tuned out to become engaged with something far more unusual and quite…puzzling. His brother seemed to be staring at the set of pipes with a glower of lower intensity than was required for someone disturbing the hearing of those around at this time in the morning. Usually others received a glare at a level of 7 or possibly 8 for offenses such as this but the girl had managed to receive only a 5 which was quickly going down to a 4.

Using his quick mind Itachi began piece together the pieces of the puzzle before him while Sasuke got out of the car as if to confront the girl before them. Upon seeing her apparent attackers the girl became even more enraged. She started to scream about how she should have known it was the Uchihas for they were the only ones incapable of seeing what was in front of them because of their large ego blocking their views. Itachi was inclined to believe this particular observation was made on the sole basis of an acquaintance with his brother and not after meeting the entire line for surely Itachi alone could have proven a fine example to the contrary.

Dismissing the girl's viewpoint, Itachi turned to his brother. His sibling appeared to be standing in a very annoyed position but the expression on his face was anything but. Itachi would go so far as to call it amused should he have been asked, but no one thought of asking him for no one was capable of noticing the subtleties of Sasuke's face except for the elder sibling who had been examining it for quite some time mostly so that Itachi would be able to press Sasuke's buttons with the optimum results.

The rosette appeared to be doing an adequate job of pushing the buttons but Sasuke was not reacting with the same indifference or anger that Itachi had previously assumed his younger brother treated every human being on the earth. The girl would say something particularly offensive that, had she been anyone else, would require a glare of 10 or higher intensity, but Itachi's brother maintained a steady level 4 glare throughout the entire exchange which lasted five minutes before man in the car got bored and decided that Sasuke was perfectly capable of walking the five or so blocks to school before the bell rang.

Contemplating the effects of running over the two love birds, Itachi decided to merely rev the engine in the hopes of reminding the two of his existence. Both instinctively hopped to the side of the curb, letting the sleek black car pass before the girl said something that made Sasuke's mouth twitch. Watching from the rearview mirror, Itachi allowed himself a slight chuckle as to the intricacies of his brother's new love life before settling in to the long drive to the Uchiha Corps building.

Notes: hmm...i'm having fun. reviews?


	2. Apple Pie

Story two: Apple pie always leads to things exploding

Disclaimer: haha, naruto isn't mine, and I'm pretty sure the OC isn't either. all well

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At first Deidara can't close his eyes. At first, he wasn't capable of breathing, or doing much at all. At first, the end didn't seem possible: this conclusion should not exist in a reasonable world where reasonable people exist with reasonable intellects and reasonable interests and just reasonable everything.

Then again Tobi existed in this world. He wouldn't much longer, if _he_ had any say in the matter, but the lives of orange-masked men who act like children for whatever purpose wasn't on the top of his list of things to do (to kill is implied, for only weaklings like the Konoha ballerinas ever did anything else). No, Tobi did not occupy the brain waves of the slightly fuming blond. Today's topic was of a more…personal matter.

When at last the use of his vocal cords was regained, Deidara's shriek set off an unintentional summoning which brought his annoyingly bouncy partner into the room with a questioning manner and a very hot apple pie in his hands. Before Tobi had been able to open his unseen mouth, Deidara answered: "T-THEY CANCELED THE OC!" before promptly fainting into a slight coma that would have lasted two days if Tobi had not deduced that the smell of apple pie was best inhaled when it is directly on top of the nose.

Waking up with a face covered in the gooey substance hidden beneath the pie crust, Deidara began to spit out the apples that had gotten into his mouth before he sighed and pulled himself up dramatically from his ungraceful landing. Tobi tried to lay a hand to lay his hand on his friend's shoulder in a most casual manner, but Deidara was a man of the instincts that do not fade even in the most traumatic of moments, and quickly shrugged the offending appendage off his joint before beginning his rant: "I can't believe those gelatinous whores would dare cancel such an appealing show!" he exclaimed to Tobi while walking to the bathroom to get the pie off of his face, "I still need to know if Kaitlin and Will get together!!"

Storming off in a huff, the blond ranted all the way to the bathroom where he stopped periodically to focus on rinsing his hair between wild gestures that emphasized such points as Ryan's stupidity and how Seth and Summer should have never broken up in the first place because really, _they were soul mates_. When at last Deidara's sad form flopped onto the couch, the Tobi stood up and began to clean up the apple pie on the floor, giving off the airs of one who smiles too much before giving a helpful chirp, "Don't worry Deidara-sempai, I'm sure that once you've finished your bomb making classes you can go right over to the studio and blow it up in a fabulous work of art!"

Hearing his teammate's voice, Deidara was instantly snapped back into reality where things actually could get more annoying than a mere cancelation of a television series; much, _much_ worse. Tobi continued with his motivational speech while wheels behind Deidara's green eyes began to churn in a very familiar manner. He admitted the image of the FOX studio exploding was quite appealing, but the waiting part was not. It was better to act quickly so that should they get captured sneaking explosives into a public place, a temporary insanity defence could be set up to secure their freedom in court.

With that, Deidara sat up with a gleam in his eyes that was none to friendly. Tobi unconsciously took a step back, while silencing his chatter with an uncharacteristic pause for breath. As an evil grin grew upon the blond's face, and behind his mask Tobi's eyes grew wide, knowing that something bad was about to happen, and by the looks of it, the plan would involve several of the hidden—

"Hey Tobi, remember when I told you about tetrytol…"

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Note: i love deidara so much :) review!


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